I Am My Own by Lea Aulisio-Sharpez

I remember staring at my body in the mirror. Then I remember looking down and asking “Are you mad that I let somebody in?” I never knew how intimately and physically I would be impacted by the realization that, as a black woman, my body had never been my own. I assumed that the self care and sexual liberation that I worked hard to believe in, was enough. I assumed that having a healthy, understanding, and positive sexual experience was enough. I thought that what I saw in myself would have been enough. But there I was arguing with my body whether or not if it was mad at me for embracing my own sexuality. Feelings of Body Dysmorphia throughout and after the sexual experiences of black women exists amongst the long list of issues created, enforced, and at the exact same time invalidated by our community every day. I wanted the sex to be for me, more than anything. But I felt as though my body had to cater to everyone else. It wasn’t just about the person that I was having sex with, and it was not about that specific sexual interaction. This feeling was deeply complex and severely personal. For the first time I felt extremely disconnected from my body, (my vagina in particular). Like someone was poking pins in every single place I was uncomfortable about, so I couldn’t focus on anything else. All of the dreamy and fulfilled feelings that I had post-sex were soon ran out the door. Our entire lives are spent being told what our body will do for others. There are expectations imposed on us on how we should express our sexuality. We are taught to the person we are engaging with, as though our purpose is to exist for others. Black women have been ingrained with the idea that the value on our bodies placed by men, is all that we would ever be. I didn’t think I was, but I am still learning that I am my own. I can touch who I want to, and still be my own. I can feel how I feel, and still be my own. I can say what I want to say, and still be my own. I do not exist for the purpose of others, and that is a euphoric climax all on its own. I AM MY OWN

Written by: Lea Aulisio-Sharpez